Suicide Anxiety

I don't have the guts to commit suicide. Maybe I won't be able to do it ever. But today I thought for the first time, how to really commit suicide! What did I do before I died?. At First, I will remove my Facebook account. Definitely I won't leave it to others. Because Facebook is such a thing that you can't rest in peace if you quit your life opening it. By the way, I don't write any suicide note before committing suicide because I want to enjoy the moment before death, what is the need to go to the facade of writing? But according to my view, writing is the best way to enjoy times. As I know writing something down means dragging it out after my death. What will happen after writing my last article? I am a man whose words no one understood in his lifetime, so he will understand after my death, I do not believe there is anyone. I don't want him to understand me after my death, in this long time when my soul is stuck in my body.

From the middle, my family will get into some unnecessary trouble. After removing myself from Facebook, I used to take a lot of sleeping pills without delay. If I had survived and fought to the death in the hospital, my sister would have cried when she saw my condition. Seeing her, tears were flowing in my eyes. And I used to eat a lot of slaps on my sister's hands after I got well, that's for sure. Well, would I have wanted to meet someone before I died? I don't think so! Even before I died, even though I knew I was going to die, I didn't want to see the sea! The one who has erased me from her mind has nothing to look forward to. It may be that she would have been annoyed to see the dying ex!

Yes, there may be a flaw in not being able to see you face to face. You seem to be someone very close to me sometimes. You are one of the few people outside my family who has felt me ​​at all. Of course, this is my personal opinion, it could be wrong. I have already imagined the position of my Friend Tushar in such a situation. Maybe he would call me if he didn't find me on Facebook for a while. If luck had been good, my sister would have taken the call. Would he have been upset if he had heard of my suicide? I don't know! One thing. You may not know that I am no more. But if after my death somehow got the news; Maybe, Tushar informed you by inbox! You used to be very upset then. Just upset? Or do you get a little trouble? Or a lot of trouble? Or was it nothing but a kind of indifference, indifference and indifference? You might have to write about death again on Facebook. People have to write about human death. You may think, how helpless people are! I would die and throw you into trouble, wouldn't I?

Sufia Apa loves me the most in this world. He has been in our home for over twenty-four years, that is, before I was born. He raised me as her son. I have no blood relationship with her. She came to our house as a housemaid. I have not been able to serve my mother, and father as much as she has. That is why I am indebted to her. I quietly accept everything good and bad. Well, what is the name of accepting love? I do not know.

It would take a lot of great writers to explain the pain of not being able to love someone more than not being loved by someone, it is not possible for me to do that at all. I think people who can't love anyone are the saddest and loneliest people in the world. A person who is a thousand times more lonely than someone who is not loved, who cannot love anyone. Alas, even more lonely is the man whom many loves, but who cannot love anyone! His survival is very challenging! What is the burning of the sting of a conscience all the time! A closer look reveals that he was hanged millions of times in his mind for the crime of not being able to love anyone, even though his body was not a worldly death! When I see in front of my eyes, a man without any reason, without any interest… Sometimes, even after enduring my neglect and abuse, he loves me like a madman whom I can't love, then I sometimes want to commit suicide. It seems to me that there is no greater helplessness in loving him than to be forced to endure it day after day in silence!

I also dream a lot about what I don't get. Like yesterday, I was satisfied with a strange kind of dream. I saw that I was 50 or 60 years old. I am in Africa. I have adopted two Afro-American children. I am their mother. I am outside the network of the whole civilized world. Today for 20-30 years no one knows any news about me. I live on a very high hill. We go out in search of food at dawn. I cultivate potatoes and other crops on the slopes of the hills. I am living the primitive life of the forest. After the evening, I lit a fire and sat next to the fireplace and wrote. I write pieces of my autobiography, which I may not be able to attach to death. I write little by little every day. Suddenly I see again in a dream, my writing is in the shape of a novel! Random, scattered, yet comes. How can my novel be printed! The book I wrote is a bestseller. The BBC prints my interview! That was the first word I said in that interview: I know life is death.

Dreams remain along with dreams! Whether it is a happy dream or a nightmare! The one we call creator did not give me anything good or a beautiful life; Even evil, such as death in an accident, is not given, that is what I get from people - or what! Upon hearing this, the Creator may be angry with me and say, Listen, ungrateful man, I could have given birth to you in the waterless, hungry desert of Africa. I could have sent a sick dog or a helpless crow to eat the filthy food in the dump. I have given you the ability to fulfil your small hobbies now. When you can eat what you want, you can get what you want to eat. You can buy a dress. But no orphan boy can earn the same amount of money as your daily expenses by shedding blood and sweat from dawn to dusk. What crime did he commit that you did not commit? Are you enjoying the fruits of such virtue that he has deliberately turned away from virtue? Everything you think you have achieved is my grace, think carefully!

There is not a single person in this world who can touch the head of many children, there are no parents! Countless people are languishing in the throes of cancer. There is no disease in your body, you are a healthy person. What is richer than a healthy body? Talk to a sick person and find out what the real meaning of grief is! Why don't you think about what I gave you? Why do you just cry about what you haven't given or taken away from your life? As long as you do not have full confidence in me, as long as you accept all your sorrows and surrender to me, as long as you do not control your mind and accept the bondage of the mind, you will survive this artificial disease, You will never be able to die happily!

When I think about all this, I realize that even if the mind is given to me by God, I have to make it my own, like a good one!